“It felt so good to analyze and correct
But you never really know until the foot’s on your neck”
From “Swallowing The Rabbit Whole” by Code Orange
“Chill out.”
“You need to calm down.”
“Just relax.”
“You’re way too intense.”
These are some of the greatest hits from the intensity police — the oh-so-helpful souls who use others as a foil to declare how chill, relaxed and mellow they are. Don’t worry – they’ve got it all figured out. They’re well-adjusted and normal. And they’re here to bring all of their smarmy condescension to your doorstep to let you know that if you could just smooth your rough edges, things will be OK and you can join the beautiful people.
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that these helpful tidbits are typically delivered from people who have absolutely no idea how to understand, express or control their own emotions. It’s a lot easier to judge and advise others than it is to deal with themselves. I’ve been the target of it personally (in case that wasn’t apparent), and I’ve seen how devastating it can be to the clients with whom I work who are just trying to figure out their life and make their way in this world.
And guess what? For some people, anger and intensity is part of that process. How can we not be angry in the world in which we live? How does anyone achieve anything in the world without intensity? Unless we know everything about a person – how they’re wired, what they’ve been through and what they want to achieve, we’re not in a great position to judge, criticize or shame. There’s no empathy in this type of feedback – and it will most likely lead to harmful emotional suppression rather than people deciding, “Gee, less intense…I never thought of that.”
So, it was perhaps not surprising that my blood started boiling when I spoke with Reba Meyers of Code Orange on the Hardcore Humanism Podcast and she conveyed to me that she and her band mates have repeatedly received feedback that they were too intense. Who the f*ck has any business telling Meyers and Code Orange they are too intense? This is a band who is absolutely killing it in the heavy music scene because of their intensity. I mean for crying out loud, Rolling Stone called their 2017 album Forever the best metal album of the year, and Forbes Magazine (yes Forbes) called their new album Underneath “the first metal masterpiece of the 2020’s.” Not bad for a band that’s apparently too intense.
Now to be fair, I have no idea who delivered that feedback, how it was expressed, or the spirit in which it was conveyed. This could have been helpful, compassionate advice for all I know. I talked with Meyers once – it doesn’t make me an expert on her and her life. So, I can’t make any assumptions because I don’t know everything.
But here’s what I do know from talking with Meyers: Not all anger and intensity is created equal. And Meyers has described a concept called “proactive anger” that I think is an excellent way of describing one path by which our intensity and anger can be adaptive and drive us to better understand ourselves, others and achieve great things.
Meyers’ journey towards proactive anger included a visceral connection with the intensity of punk rock music. Interestingly, it was the raw nature of many punk rock recordings that drew her in. “It’s like, oh, there’s something more here…,” she told me. “I started going to shows in tiny little venues and everything was just so loud and raw, unpracticed almost, but it was just like a straight form of energy. And I love that. And I was addicted to that.”
That “addiction” soon became an orientation to her life and she described how it gave her purpose as she was growing up, “It was cool to find that in music, it gave me something to do as opposed to something negative … It was a positive thing. A lot of times people think punk music or metal music is just a way to be angry. It’s not, it’s the opposite. It’s a way to be proactively angry … and admit to yourself that you are angry.”
Part of what made Meyers embrace a proactive anger approach was witnessing how conformity was more the norm amongst the people around her. And she knew that’s not what she wanted for herself. She craved an approach that felt more authentic to her. “It felt kind of like everyone just liked what they were told and did what they were told and [I had] kind of a desire to do the opposite … be genuine,” she said. “I still wanted to be accepted. And I was, because I had my friends who were into the same music but it was our own little world. It was kind of an escape. And it especially started changing when we — when I — started playing music in that … punk microcosm of the world,”
“It was life changing.”
Meyers distinguishes between what she means by proactive anger as compared to anger that is less “controlled” or deliberate. “If you’re just angry in a moment, you become blind … you just say things and it’s almost impossible to even remember what you just did,” Meyers described. “But whenever I play a show, it’s just such an intentional…specific moment where I know it’s okay to be as angry as I want. And that’s like the point of it … It’ll be more real, especially if I’m able to channel that.”
Meyers sees art as one of the best places where proactive anger can be constructive, especially for those who have built a wall around themselves by suppressing their feelings. “It’s sad, honestly, because I think there’s probably a lot of people out there who have something to say, but they were never encouraged to crack into that,” Meyers explained. “What makes a truly great artist is – someone who has that wall can break down that wall. And a lot of times, it’s like, they don’t break down that wall for anyone except for their art.”
More, just as we may be surrounded by people who are antagonistic towards our intensity and expression, we can also build a world where proactive anger is accepted and even encouraged. Meyers sees this process as a step towards greater empathy and compassion for others. “It’s definitely important aspect of just becoming more humane,” she described. “If you have blind rage … you do need to work on that. But it’s another thing to understand them, to try to help them as opposed to just saying, ‘you shouldn’t feel this.’ … You have to admit that you feel that way to yourself, and know why, and deeper. And that’s always way harder to do than just to tell someone stop being angry. You know, that happens to me all the time and it causes me a lot of pain.”
To be sure, Meyers is not saying that we shouldn’t listen to negative feedback. We have to be careful not to suppress those who are trying to suppress us – no matter how tempting it may be. To be honest, I think I need to take a cue from her on this point. She was much more contemplative and accepting of the feedback others had given her than I was. I’m looking forward to pushing myself to embrace that approach.
“If your friends tell you you’re being too angry, or you’re being too this or that. It’s like, you can shut them off if you want but they’re probably right,” she said. “Sometimes you just want to close the doors, but in reality, the better path to take is to listen to that and kind of put it through your own lens without letting it control you…letting it influence you, while staying true to yourself.”
Photo credit: Jimmy Fontaine
