“Insanity, the normal state;
The left hand a hammer, the right the stake
Driven so deep into the heart
It’s killing love, it’s killing faith”
From “Belly of the Best” by Anthrax
I would have been scared sh*tless to be Scott Ian’s parent.
I say this recognizing the sheer and unbridled hypocrisy of that statement. Because you can be damn sure that if Ian were my son I would be absolutely thrilled and proud. And why wouldn’t I be? As I was preparing to interview Ian for The Hardcore Humanism Podcast, I considered the life that he has built for himself. He is a founding member of Anthrax, arguably one of best heavy metal bands of all time and one of the elite Big Four thrash metal bands. Anthrax is both artistically and commercially successful, celebrating the 30th anniversary of its album Persistence of Time with a new audio CD and vinyl release of the album. He has a wonderful wife Pearl Aday and family (I was fortunate to interview both Aday and Ian 5 years ago for Psychology Today).
I certainly like and respect Ian as an adult and have thoroughly enjoyed our conversations when I’ve interviewed him. I have spent my entire life celebrating the art of musicians – particularly heavy metal musicians. And I look at what I love in adults. The entire premise of Hardcore Humanism is to celebrate and learn from outside-the-box thinkers – people who dare to resist societal pressures, find their purpose and work hard to achieve it. That’s Scott Ian! He knew from an early age that he loved metal, wanted a career in his art, and helped build Anthrax on the back of sheer will. Here’s a guy who worked multiple jobs and around the clock for years to make his chosen career happen. His tireless and single-minded determination and work ethic would make any parent proud!
If Scott Ian were my adult son, I’m sure I’d be all over my town wearing an Anthrax t-shirt, head banging at every show, and yet, most likely have forgotten how my son got there. I’d probably dismiss memories of the terror I had when he chose this unconventional path and would pretend that I knew it all along! I mean isn’t this the classic stereotype immortalized in The Jazz Singer? A disapproving father, played by Laurence Olivier, is mortified by the choice of his son, played by Neil Diamond, to live a rock star life only to eventually be dazzled by his son’s commitment and success as he sang “Coming to America” in front of thousands of people.
And yet when I listen to the story of what Ian had to do to get there, I know I would have freaked the f*ck out. Why? The simple reason is that as a parent, I’m not necessarily that great at making our kids happy. But I am good at making them safe. I am terrified of something happening to one of my kids. My son almost drowned as a child, and I still can’t get it out of my head. And my fear that something bad happens to them far outweighs the joy I have when they are happy. Don’t get me wrong – I want them to be happy – but I don’t need them to be beyond “normal” happy to sleep at night.
Here’s an example. In our interview, Ian talks about going down to CBGBs to see hardcore punk matinees when he was younger, and being afraid he would get beaten up because he had long hair. Now that to me is super cool – open-minded, ballsy, and critical to his development as a Heavy Metal god. In fact, I have tried to open my kids up to that world. My son’s first concert when he was 8 was an all ages cancer benefit featuring Cro-Mags and Sheer Terror. We started going down to the A7 Hardcore Sunday matinees together pre-Covid. We had a blast and were psyched for the Black and Blue Bowl to see Agnostic Front and other hardcore legends. But if I found out he was like one of those 70’s and 80’s hardcore kids who went downtown at the age of 13 or 14 without permission, I would be terrified and angry — even though I know as an adult I really like the people who took those kinds of chances. Similarly, I admire people who keep working on a song regardless of time in order to get it right. But if my kids were up at 3 in the morning playing guitar, I would be none too pleased.
I am in a bind — I love people who are edgy, passionate, even confrontational when necessary. But as a parent, I want quiet, obedient, well-behaved kids who I’d probably hate as adults. Because let’s face it – not every kid is going to grow up being Scott Ian, and there are times when the same behaviors that result in rock stardom can lead to pain, suffering and broken dreams.
So, what do I do?
The way I formulate it is what I would call “purpose-driven parenting.” What am I trying to accomplish as a parent? What type of kid do I want to raise and what do my wife and I have to do in order to make that happen? If I want a healthy kid who is willing to think outside the box, find purpose and work hard to achieve it, what parenting leads to that? The short answer is I have no idea. But here’s what I’m trying at this point.
First and foremost, I have to recognize my limits as a parent. I don’t have and don’t want total control over my kids. I’ve come to accept that I am, at best, riding shotgun. In fact, my most powerful influence over them is leading by example. Part of that is recognizing that going full-throttle for your dreams and leading a healthy balanced life don’t always go together. But that doesn’t mean you should give up trying. It’s an ongoing dance of pushing yourself beyond your limits while still staying alive and healthy.
Next, we have to remember that what propelled Ian to success was a strong sense of purpose. He explained the visceral connection he had with his music. “From the time I woke up in the morning, I couldn’t wait to put a guitar on and turn an amp on,” he told me. “The idea of hitting that first chord loud through an amp, after working all day, whatever else I was doing, was such a release.” So, I ask the kids to be able to try to figure out what matters to them in the world. What do they want to do for fun, achievement, and connection with others? This forms the basis of purpose.
And not everyone – including me – will understand that purpose. So, they need to be prepared for that push back. As Ian described it, “The more people told me I couldn’t do it, the more I was like, ‘yeah, we’ll see.’” This isn’t to say that they shouldn’t take feedback from people whom they trust – like me. But I try to teach the kids to question everything – even me. Think for yourself. Because I may not always understand what’s happening.
Finally, they need to know that if they want anything, they have to work hard to get it. There are no short-cuts, no easy roads. If you want to have success like Scott Ian, you need to work hard like Scott Ian. Listen to his approach to working for the purpose of getting more music gear. “I was constantly looking for jobs, and having jobs and then looking for jobs that paid more money or work two or three jobs and shoveling driveways in the wintertime and just doing whatever I could to put money in my pocket,” he said. Working, putting in the time and effort towards what you want goes beyond career to relationships, finding fun, even relaxing. So, I try to work with the kids to practice working hard at anything they do, so that when they find what they love – their purpose – they will be ready.
Ultimately, I don’t need my kids to be Scott Ian. But I want them to be their own version of a rock star – someone who made their dreams come true and made believers out of any naysayers. This will not be easy, because the path for many rock stars flies in the face of what their parents think is safe and healthy. We will make mistakes — be overprotective or not supportive enough at times. I just hope that there’s enough of the good stuff – helping them find their purpose, think for themselves, work hard, and above all know that we believe in them – to outweigh my own worst instincts.
And maybe then I will stop being a hypocritical parent.
Photo Credit: Travis Shinn
