From the moment we are born, we are pressured to conform to the world around us. As a baby, we are essentially helpless and therefore at the mercy of others to take care of us. What we eat, how we dress, what we do, when we go to bed — everything is handed down from above. Sure, we may be able to express our preferences by being alternatively fussy and adorable, but we really don’t have much control over our lives.
Things continue much the same way as we enter childhood. But as we start to interact more with the world around us through school, playgrounds etc., we start to become aware of the fact that we are different from other kids. We develop the ability to discern preferences and even voice our opinions. We like certain foods, want to play with certain kids, or do specific activities. But still, we must ultimately do what we are told. And hopefully, we generally know that at the end of the day we will be safe, clothed and fed. And perhaps because we are for the most part under the control of others and are safe, our unique qualities are often viewed as cute or funny.
It is as adolescents that we often begin to recognize that we not only have unique attributes, but we also have the power to identify and implement preferences. We may have awareness of our gender identity, sexuality, choice of career aspirations and preference of romantic partner. And that is when our unique qualities seem a bit more concerning to those around us. Parents worry that adolescents who don’t conform to societal norms will not be successful in their professional lives. Schools find it easier to manage students who do what they are told and don’t ask too many questions. We may even be worried that if we don’t “fit in” we will suffer socially and feel isolated and alone.
It is at this point that we begin to experience the first real pressure to conform on a more existential level. Whether intentionally or not, we are presented with an implicit bargain – if we stay in line and do what is asked of us, we will be left alone. Everything will be fine. But deviate from the norm and things will be much more precarious. The world will no longer necessarily protect us or take care of us.
So based on that assessment, the natural decision is to conform, right? But there are two problems with that choice. First, while there may be certain material comforts associated with conforming, it can be devastating emotionally. Specifically, in order to conform we must suppress and avoid many of our thoughts, feelings and aspirations, which may worsen our mental health.
Second, after we are practically programmed to conform while growing up, we are often only truly rewarded as adults when we stand out. For those of us who apply to college, it is an exercise in demonstrating our magnificent uniqueness. On the romantic front, we hope that we stand out in the crowd so that the right person finds us attractive and wants to be in a relationship with us. If we want to continue playing competitive sports, we must excel to make the team. If we choose a career in the arts, our work needs to be special and different in some way to draw attention.
And it seems to go on like this for the rest of our lives. We are constantly trying to balance between conforming to social norms, traditions, expectations, and what we need to do to create stability in our lives with understanding and expressing our own unique talents, views and perspectives.
I have been thinking about this issue a great deal since talking with musician Myles Kennedy of the hard rock band Alter Bridge about his new album The Ides of March on The Hardcore Humanism Podcast. Kennedy described how he faced pressures to conform to certain musical styles early in his career and how he is only now truly finding his authentic voice as an artist. And it made me wonder:
How do we discover and nurture our authentic voices amidst pressure to conform?
The first thing that we must realize is that ultimately, we are the only unique thing that we have to offer the world. And our offering to the world starts with how we relate to ourselves. Ultimately, we will be the most satisfied and happy with our life if we develop our authentic voice in some way. Further, the only way to prevent the damaging effects of avoidance and suppression on our mental health is to make sure that we take time to explore and develop our unique voice.
What that means specifically can be different for different people. Perhaps we keep a diary where we can express and keep track of our thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. Maybe we seek out therapy to give ourselves an opportunity to share our deepest and at time darkest ideas. Or we might want to explore creative pursuits that allow us to have more open-minded expression. However we choose to develop our unique voice, we must make it a priority to be consistent with that activity over time with the express purpose of keeping in touch with our authentic self.
Second, we must try and figure out where in our lives our more authentic self can be expressed. Perhaps the most important place to start is in our personal relationships. At the end of the day, most of us are looking to create a world around us that supports rather than rejects our unique and independent perspectives. It is what makes us special and ultimately most appealing to others. Thus, if we are lucky and work hard at our social connections, we can develop romantic and platonic relationships with people who support and appreciate our unique and divergent qualities. That can take many forms – but it is crucial that we feel that we can “be ourselves.”
Further, we must recognize that there may be very valid reasons why we feel that we have to conform. Not everyone can be a rock star and not every person in our life will nurture our most authentic selves. And sometimes we have to make compromises to survive and live in this world. But it is crucial that the compromises happen externally rather than internally. As we find ourselves feeling obligated to conform, that does not mean that we have to lose touch with our authentic voice – that unique and special part of ourselves. It may just make it a bit more difficult for our authentic voice to express itself in our daily life.
Finally, one of the most dangerous things that we can do is judge ourselves for not knowing the best way to balance being “unique” and “conforming.” There is no one out there who has spent their entire life completely living on their own terms with no concern for societal norms, traditions or values. The best we can hope for is to constantly work in a two-track system whereby we nurture our authentic selves while keeping an eye on how we relate to the outside world. And no matter how much you think you’ve conformed and disconnected from your authentic voice, it is never too late to begin that journey of self-discovery. It is through this ongoing dialectic that we can best find our authentic voice and express it in our lives.
Photo credit: Jorge Luis Ojeda Flota on Unsplash
